Bake Me Away
by Sango The Lecher Slayer
Summary: AU InuKag SanMir. Kagome, an aspiring pastry chef, is placed into the hands of our favorite hanyou. Cake on suits, fake noses, and bad dates ensue. Need I say more?
1. Cake In The Face

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Inuyasha. Only the almighty Rumiko Takahashi owns the copyright – I do however, own "Le Gasp"

Warnings: This is a romance/humor fic. In some parts of the story, characters _**will**_ be OOC. If you are not a fan of Kikyo (and slight Hojo) bashing, I suggest you stop reading now. This is just for fun!

**Bake Me Away**

**Brought to you by Sango The Lecher Slayer**

Chapter 1: Cake in the Face

To Kagome Higurashi, age 22, the sound of the elevator arriving was only slightly less terrifying than rabid fangirls screaming at a pop star. The noise signified that she was indeed on the kitchen floor of one of the most exclusive restaurants in LA, "Le Gasp." Named after the ugly noise that fans made when their favorite celebrities were spotted, only the finest chefs were admitted to cook and serve the thousands of celebrities that poured in every year after events such as the Grammies and benefit concerts.

Ready to show her stuff, Kagome flipped her hair and muttered to herself, "I'm an awesome pastry chef. I am an awesome pastry chef." She took a deep breath and walked into her interview, chocolate torte hand.

Half and hour later, Kagome left the room disappointed and with a whole chocolate torte. Her "instability," or her inability to keep a job for an extended period of time, worried the manager. Head down, Kagome walked out, only to trip and fall.

"It'll be OK, Kagome," she reassured herself. "There's another interview in four days." Thinking about what pastry to bring to her next interview, Kagome crashed into something hard, knocking it over. Quickly glancing up, she looked at the thing—now recognized human, that she had collided with.

"Sorry, sir," she said sheepishly. Her extended hand was ignored, and Kagome rolled her eyes, walking away.

"Hey wench, sorry isn't good enough for me!"

"What did you just call me?" Kagome demanded angrily.

"You heard me bitch. I just called you a wench." The man shouted back.

"My _name_ is—no I don't tell strangers my name. Go away, frea—" Kagome cut herself off as she got a good look at the guy.

Damn.

He was fine.

"Pull yourself together," Kagome muttered, "No matter how good he looks, that is no excuse to be swayed into letting him call you a wench and a bitch.'

But she wasn't alone in her observation. After quickly looking her over, the man smirked and asked, "What's wrong wench, cat got your tongue? What's wrong with you?"

Kagome huffed. "That is it! I officially have had the worst day of my life! First, My alarm didn't go off. Second, my cat fell out of the 3rd story window. Third, I'm probably not gonna get the Goddamn job that I need-"

Kagome was cut off by the man laughing and walking away.

Kagome growled impressively. "No. You asked. You get an answer."

She considered storming after him but took a few deep breaths. "It's OK, girl. He's an idiot. Walk away."

As Kagome was walking away, she heard the man yell on his phone, "Yeah, I just ran into this totally crazy bitch. What a psycho. Yeah, see you later babe."

The stranger didn't have time to close his phone or his mouth, as he got a chocolate torte to the face. "Jerk." Kagome said angrily. With that, she stormed back out and ran to hail a cab.

After he recovered from the shock, he started to yell at the immobile kitchen staff who were mystified by the man that had cake all over his face and $10,000 suit.

The stranger growled. Literally. "No one touches me! Get your asses over here. Someone grab that girl. And just what the hell are you all staring at! – Holy crap, this stuff tastes amazing!" In his ranting, he had accidentally started to consume some of the pastry. He paused mid-step and began to awkwardly eat the cake off of his face, then the box which landed on the floor.

"Holy shit, I need her at my restaurant. Girl! Wait up!" The stranger yelled.

Kagome spun around. "Oh goodness, it's that man. He's going to kill me. Or worse: make me pay to dry clean his suit." Kagome shuddered.

As passersby started to leave a wide berth around her, Kagome frantically hailed a taxi. "Please let my luck change, please let my luck change," Kagome chanted.

The stranger watched Kagome's fruitless struggle to get a cab and was thankful for the bus strike. Walking into the restaurant, he pulled the head chef and manager aside.

"How are things going here today?" He asked.

The response was a groaning head chef. "Terrible. Ve are in a mess. Zer is no pastry chef, for he quit zis morning!" he said in his French accent.

The stranger and manager looked at the head chef. "Really, Miroku?" The manager asked.

Miroku sighed and said, "I'm just trying to lighten up the mood, my dear Sango."

"And why do you need to lighten up the mood." Sango said darkly.

"Uhh."

"Well, lovebirds," the stranger interrupted, "I know someone who can replace our chef."

Sango looked like she could have hugged him, "Oh! Who is it?" She asked excitedly.

"Well," the stranger wheedled, "I don't exactly know her name. But she's amazing! Try her chocolate torte."

Sango and Miroku scooped some of the pastry off of the box, "Wow," Sango enthused, "You're right. I'm surprised that you actually managed to help the company!"

"Gee thanks," he muttered sarcastically. "I feel so loved around here."

"What are you waiting for? Go get her!"

"Huh?" Was his oh so intelligent reply.

"The girl! I'm assuming she's the one who… delicately placed this cake on your person," Sango said as the stranger glared. "Oh, just go already!"

The stranger stomped out, muttering to himself about insubordinate subordinates.

After a moment of silence, Miroku leaned seductively on the countertop and said, "Sango my dear, you know that leaves just you and me here."

Sango paused. "You know you're leaning on the stove top, right?"

"AHHHWHYDIDNOONETELLMEEEE?" Miroku shouted as he jumped from the stove.

As Sango gave him a what-were-you-thinking-you-idiot look, Miroku sheepishly said, "I thought I was so hot because of you? Dearest?"

Sango slapped him upside the head and he fell against the actual countertop.

When he came to, Miroku proclaimed "No need to worry, beloved Sango, for I awaken."

With a quick glance, he noticed she was no longer in the room with him, he was all alone. "Sango, my love, why do you leave me here! I shall die without yo—oh, hello Ashley! You're looking nice today."

Miroku casually stalked Ashley as she walked towards the front of the building, but decided against following her out when he saw his friend approach Kagome... who was talking to herself.

"You've done it again, Kagome." She muttered. There was not a single taxi that would stop for her. "Oh, who do you have to know to get a taxi around here?" Kagome groaned. She then squealed as a taxi came up to her. Kagome happily hopped into the car and sighed at the quiet.

"Me." The lurking stranger replied.

"What in the! Jerkface?"

"So, do you let random guys into your cab everyday?" The stranger asked.

"What are you doing here? Stalker!" Kagome shouted. The cab driver calmly turned on the camera installed for security purposes. This was going to be a bumpy ride.

"Look, I'm sorry! I just wanted to apologize to you," he stated.

Kagome paused. "What?"

"Please just take my card." The stranger insisted.

Kagome paused then said slowly, "No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Okay then here it is!" The stranger said as he stuffed it in her hand.

Kagome took the card began muttering to herself again, "Pompous idiot and total jerk and—"

"Do you always talk to yourself?" The stranger asked with a smirk.

Kagome opened her mouth to respond but snapped her jaw shut as she glanced at the card. She looked up and quietly said, "You're-"


	2. Meet the Man

**Bake Me Away  
****Brought to you by: Sango the Lecher Slayer**

_Chapter 2: Meet the Man_

The stranger grinned, baring his fangs, and opened his mouth to gloat when Kagome cut him off by continuing in one breath "—Inuyasha Takahashi, CEO and founder of 'Le Gasp'!"

Kagome died a little bit on the inside.

At her frozen, beyond miserable facial expression, Inuyasha kindly asked, "Oi, wench, why are you so cranky?"

Kagome sighed, "I just choose the wrong people to dislike sometimes," Kagome answered despondently.

Inuyasha was blown away at her honesty. With that, his ears drooped and he looked at her with watery puppy dog eyes and said in a quiet voice, "You hate me?"

Kagome couldn't resist the look… No human with a heart could. But instead of reacting like most girls and reaching for the ears, Kagome teared up.

"Wait. No. Stop. Don't. Please." Inuyasha stuttered. "I'm sorry I used the eyes and the ears. You can touch them if you want!"

Kagome looked sad and asked, "Really? Are you sure?"

Inuyasha grumbled, "Go for it, wench."

Kagome sniffled as she tentatively touched his right ear. She tried to stifle her laugh as it twitched.

Inuyasha growled, "Get on with it, then."

Kagome smiled and fully grasped his ear. "It's so soft!"

Inuyasha looked away. After giving Kagome a couple of minutes, he gingerly took his ear away and said, "Okay fine, Kagome, I have a proposition for you. We are now in… Hey, wench are you listening to me?" Inuyasha interrupted himself.

Kagome shook herself out of her reverie. "Sorry, I was in a happy place. You were saying?"

Inuyasha glared. "I was saying before you so rudely cut me off, wench, that—"

"Actually, you cut yourself off," Kagome interrupted and pointed out.

"You did it again."

"Sure, dog boy. Continue." Kagome directed.

Inuyasha glared again, "Wench, we need a pastry chef. I hate to admit it, but yours was one of the best I have ever tasted." His face broke into a dreamy smile.

Kagome was struck completely speechless.

Inuyasha came out of his reverie to ask, "Hey, girl. Are you… fully functioning? Firing on all cylinders?"

"Huh? Oh! Yes! I would love to work for you. Jerk." Kagome tried to contain her joy but it snuck out. She squealed and squished Inuyasha to her.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" Kagome jumped out of the cab and moved to slam the door, only to be stopped by Inuyasha. "Wench. This is _my_ stop."

"Oh. He… he he… yeah. Cool." Kagome sheepishly replied.

"And I didn't tell you when you would start…"

"Oh! Sorry, sir!"

"Sir?" Inuyasha questioned.

"I have to respect my employer," Kagome said wisely.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll see you on Monday at 7 am. Don't be late." Inuyasha hopped out of the cab and paused before closing the door.

"See you then, wench," he said with a smirk and a wink.

Kagome spent the rest of the ride fuming at his chauvinism, yet excited for her new job. Ever positive, that was Kagome! Most of the time.

When the cab pulled up to her flat, she stumbled out with practiced ease. "Oh my god," she said aloud, "I got the job. I got the job!" She shouted with a twirl.

An angry neighbor popped his head out of a window. "SHUT UP, LADY, my pregnant wife is trying to sleep."

Before Kagome could apologize, she heard, "Oh, so I look pregnant to you?"

Kagome cringed and waited for his reply: "Yes sweetheart, but that is only because you _**are**_ pregnant."

"That was a bad idea," Kagome muttered quietly. She counted to 10 and saw the door violently wrench open as the very pregnant woman shouted, "Get out of my house, you insensitive jerk!"

Kagome glanced at the poor, sleep-deprived man in his boxers with an almost empty overnight bag, outside his house. Kagome grimaced, "Note to self: Do not scream about job when there is a pregnant lady and her husband next door," and she shuffled to her apartment.

After she collapsed on the couch for a few moments, Kagome had a much, much quieter, revelation: "I should get ingredients to practice!" she softly said to herself. Grabbing her reusable bags, Kagome headed to her local grocery store.

"It's so beautiful here," she said as she reached the baking aisle. "I feel so at peace." Humming to herself, Kagome began to weigh the pros and cons of various baking chocolates, only to look up at an opportune moment and spot Hojo.

Kagome nonchalantly attempted to hide behind an elderly couple. When the woman caught on to her, she tried to justify herself by saying, "I'm…not hiding, per say. This is just not an opportune time to be asked out. He's such a nice boy, I can't say no, but he's so boring." Kagome started to get into her story, and while the elderly woman was interested, so were other patrons.

Including Hojo.

"Higurashi!" Hojo shouted.

Kagome tried to hide her cringe. "I'm a nice girl, I'm a nice girl." The elderly couple gave her a look and the woman patted her on the back. "Don't settle, dearie," the woman insisted as she wheeled that cart away.

"Higurashi! Can you hear me? Or has your malaria impaired your hearing?"

"Malaria? What the… No, I'm fine, Hojo." Kagome responded.

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, Higurashi"

"Hojo, for the last time, call me Kagome. We've been friends to seven years."

"Sure, Kagome."

"Thank you," Kagome said without enthusiasm. "Well, I better be going. Have a great day!"

"Um, Kagome."

Kagome began chanting "No, no, no, no" in her head. "Yes, Hojo?" Kagome asked.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Hojo asked.

Kagome was silent. "I have no excuses!" Kagome mentally cried to herself, "I've already used my cat is dead, my grandmother's sick, my great aunt twice removed is terminally ill, the library wanted me to do a performance for the children. I can't believe I can't think of anymore!" Kagome thought to herself. With that, she put on a cheery smile. "Why not!"

"Great!" Hojo responded enthusiastically. "How about Hell's Kitchen?"

"You want me to go to Hell with you?" Kagome asked.

Hojo laughed heartily as Kagome held in a grimace. "Kagome, you are too funny. Let's meet at 7 pm?"

Kagome rolled her eyes discreetly. "Sure, let's meet tomorrow at Hell's Kitchen. 7 pm."

"Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up?" Hojo asked.

"No!" Kagome shouted.

She paused. "I mean, no, thanks, Hojo. See you then," Kagome finished in a calmer voice.

Kagome walked away as Hojo waved frantically, "See you then, Kagome!" He dropped his basket and in a much quieter voice said, "I love you. And tomorrow, I'm going to man up."

Hojo fist pumped.

And the other patrons began to move away quickly. "Never do that again, dude," an 8-year-old advised. "Like, ever. Please. For us all." His mother nodded.


	3. Fine Dining

_**Warning**_: This has Kikyo-bashing and is NOT AT ALL like her real character. It's just supposed to be for fun (/for people who hate Kikyo). If you love Kikyo or accurate portrayals of Inuyasha characters, this is probably not the story for you.

It's just for fun. For real.

Enjoy!

**Bake Me Away**

**Brought to you by Sango the Lecher Slayer**

_Chapter 3: Fine Dining_

Wine glasses clinked merrily in the dim lighting of Hell's Kitchen.

But not everyone was so merry.

Inuyasha stared incredulously at his date as she continued to go on about her modeling career. "And that's why Nigel told me I could only eat acai berries until the shoot. This is the first time I've eaten in two weeks!"

Inuyasha replied distractedly, "You don't say."

His date batted her eyelashes while rubbing up and down his leg with her foot. "Thanks for the din-din, Inu-baby," she cooed.

Inuyasha shook his head to refocus himself and tried to smile. "No problem, Kikyo."

"Baby?" Kikyo pouted.

"Yeah?"

"Why won't you call me by the nickname you gave me?" Kikyo whined.

Inuyasha gulped down some of his wine and replied, "Uh, sure, Kiks-babe."

"Thanks, Inu-baby!" Kikyo squealed.

Inuyasha sighed.

"Omigod," she continued, "So the other day on set I—No. Fucking. Way." Kikyo cut herself off angrily.

Inuyasha looked interested for the first time that night, "What's up?"

"That bitch stole my nose!" Kikyo shouted as she stood up.

"Kikyo," Inuyasha tried to intercede, only to be glared at by Kikyo. "I mean, Kiks-babe, relax, I'm sure she didn't steal your nose."

"No!" Kikyo whined, "It's mine!"

Inuyasha followed Kikyo's pointed finger.

"Shit." He muttered.

Kagome had walked in the room with Hojo trailing behind her, looking like a lost puppy. Inuyasha saw her stop and turn, encouraging him to walk faster so they could be seated. Inuyasha stared, stunned, as the hostess seated them.

Four tables away.

Inuyasha turned back to Kikyo just in time to see her start to walk over to Kagome.

"Not so fast!" He said in a loud whisper as he pulled Kikyo back to the table.

"Inu-baby!" Kikyo whined loudly, "Let me get the bitch!"

Kikyo wrenched her arm away and stomped towards the table where Kagome was attempting to dissuade Hojo from tucking her seat in too far. "This is great, Hojo! Perfect!" She enthused, only to mutter to herself, "Anymore and I wouldn't be able to breathe."

Hojo had just taken his seat when Kikyo stomped up and grabbed Kagome.

By the nose.

"You bitch! You stole my nose. I paid good money for this, give it back." Kikyo demanded.

The rest of the restaurant fell silent, and turned to stare as Kagome attempted to talk to Kikyo in a nasally voice. "Um, actually, this was the nose I was born with, so if you don't mind letting go?"

Hojo finally gathered his courage and said, "Just what do you think you are doing, miss?"

"Who do you think you are, scum?" Kikyo asked venomously.

He sat back down quickly at the supermodel's glare, mumbling quietly, "Hojo…"

What a man.

Inuyasha strolled over. "Ladies, ladies, there's no need to fight."

"But she stole my nose!"

"We're fighting? Wait, it's _my_ nose! What is happening?"

Inuyasha placed a hand on Kikyo's shoulder, "Kikyo," then the other on Kagome's, "Kagome," and then directed his attention to the Hojo, "Hobo."

Kagome stifled a laugh and Hojo opened his mouth to speak but decided against it. "This is obviously a simple misunderstanding," Inuyasha continued dramatically.

Kikyo glared.

Kagome sighed in relief.

Inuyasha grinned. "I'm sure Kagome didn't mean to steal your nose, did you, Kags?"

"Exactly! I never—puppy-man say what."

In his seat, Hojo nervously twiddled his thumbs, desperately avoiding Kagome's death glare.

Inuyasha winked at Kagome, "If you just apologize, I'm sure my loving, understanding girlfriend would be happy to let it slide, just this once."

Kikyo pouted as Inuyasha looked at her with the sad puppy eyes.

Kagome stared, slack-jawed.

Hojo tried to make himself as small as possible.

"Well, fine." Kikyo sniffled, "Just this once for my Inu-baby. Let's go now." Kikyo tossed her hair and flounced out of the restaurant.

Inuyasha made to follow after her, but paused to address Kagome: "You owe me two now, bitch."

Kagome opened her mouth to retort, but Inuyasha had already left her in the dust. After a couple moments of silence in the restaurant, the hustle and bustle returned.

Except to Kagome and Hojo's table.

On Kagome's part, she just didn't really want to talk to the poor boy, and knew this was a good excuse. Hojo couldn't think of anything to say. The silence was finally broken about 15 minutes later by Hojo's exclamation of: "That Inu-baby fellow isn't very gentlemanly! The way he treated you? Now, that's not a very nice way to treat a lady!"

A couple at a nearby table choked on their food as they laughed at his delayed response.

"No, Hojo. It's not." Kagome said as she subtly rolled her eyes. "Listen, I'm gonna pack it in. It's been a rough evening, to say the least."

Kagome moved away from the table, and had walked out the door to her car by the time Hojo, sprinting, caught up to her. "When will I see you again?" Hojo asked, out-of-breath.

Kagome paused. "You can do this," she mumbled.

"Hojo."

"Yes?"

"I like you. As a friend."

Hojo beamed. "I like you too, Kagome! I'm so glad you finally told me."

Kagome actually smacked her forehead. "You misheard me. As. A. Friend."

It was like extinguishing a candle. Kagome turned on her flashlight key chain to make sure Hojo was okay. "Hojo? Are you gonna be able to get home?"

Hojo tried to smile bravely. "I can do it! You betcha. Be safe."

Kagome patted Hojo awkwardly on the back, saying, "Good on you, champ. Gnight!" then she speedily got into her car and drove away. In her car, she wondered at Inuyasha's girlfriend. Bopping her head to the music blasting from her stereo, Kagome wondered aloud: "What weird kinds of girls does Inuyasha date?"

As she laughed to herself and stepped out of the car, Kagome couldn't help but realize: "Definitely not girls like me."

Kagome stepped into her apartment. Changing into pajamas, she couldn't decide how she felt about Inuyasha's dating habits. Or why she would feel anything but joy at the realization that Inuyasha would never be interested in her.

Across town, lying in Egyptian Cotton sheets, Inuyasha pondered a similar concept.

"Why the _fuck_ would Kagome be dating some loser named Hobo?"


End file.
